The Ugly Truth

The truth is….
I’m depressed.
I’ve suffered from depression for almost 10 years now.
It started when I was in college….I was a cutter.
I would cut myself to feel something, or give myself a reason to hurt.
It was unhealthy. My friends threatened to tell my parents if I didn’t.  I saw a therapist, got on some medication, got on with my life.
I continued to see a therapist when I was in grad school.  That shit was tough!  
Now, I’m a wife and a mom.  I have a full time job, a house, a wonderful family
But, I still suffer from depression.
Lately, that ugly black cloud has been hovering a little too close and has gotten pretty big and dark.
Maybe it’s the winter blahs….but, winter hasn’t even really started.
This morning, I didn’t want to get out of bed.  I did though, because I had to give Peanut her nebulizer and wanted to say by to my hubby before he left for work.  But, then I went back to bed.  I was late to work.
At work, I don’t want to be there.  I want to be at home, in bed. 
But, I don’t want to lose my job either.  So, at work, I want to sit in my office and work on my computer.
I want to close my door, turn off the lights and eat pop-tarts, hoping no one will come to the door to bother me.
I want to feel joy – and there are times when I do feel joy.
I want to have my energy back.
I want to have ambition and motivation.
It’s bad….I know.
I need help.
I hate feeling like this.  
It’s not fair.
It’s really shitty.
It’s the ugly truth.

6 thoughts on “The Ugly Truth

  1. Jenn-
    I have been there. I have struggled with depression and anxiety since high school, but didn't get put on medication until college when I attempted suicide and was in a psych ward for 3 days when I lived in Fargo. If it wasn't for some dear friends I never would have made it through. Just know that you are NOT ALONE and that this is a diseas that MILLIONS of people struggle with. I find it helps to talk to someone or read a good book or immerse myself in something I enjoy. Or pick up Peanut and just give her hugs and kisses, my girls ALWAYS make my depression better! But I know how hard it is. My depression is always worse in the winter b/c it always seems so dreary. But I try to find something fun to do or that I enjoy even if it can't be outdoors. Hang in there and if you ever need anything, let me know!!

  2. oohhh jenn. i have never suffered with depression so i don't know exactly what you're going through but i do know people closely that have. i know we're new bloggy friends but i'm here if you need someone to talk to. big big hugs to you. please let me know if you need anything at all.

  3. This post really hits home and I understand the feeling completely. In fact, this year I became obsessed again with reading just because it was the only thing that allowed me to escape my current state of mind and not think about my depression so much. I have seen therapists and nothing fixes it, but I do know when I turn to prayer and trusting God I feel most comforted. Sorry if I sound too preachy, but I will keep you in my prayers and if there is ever anything you need, please let me know! I'm an email away, so don't hesitate to talk to me if you want to vent or anything!! Sending lots of love!! xoxoxo

  4. Hi Jenn, I hope you don't mind me commenting on this post. I came over from the Creating Community and clicked on the link on your Resolution in Motion post and ended up here. What you wrote really resounded with me, I too have suffered with self-harm in the past as well as depression and I understand what it's like when that black cloud gets a little too close again. I read on your resolution in motions post that you have found somewhere where you feel supported, I'm pleased for you and I hope that dark cloud starts to recede. I'm off to follow your blog now, I love the honesty with which you write.
    take care

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